I came across a facebook post in a private group (I won’t share the link) in which the user discussed the situation of his in-house separation.
His wife is cheating on him, relegated him a one child temporarily in a box-room (I have no idea what it is), he claims she denied him love, she wants the wedding ring.
But he says he took full ownership.
This is the classic situation in which men have a constant belief of being bad and having to apologize for everything. A sort of imposter syndrome.
The guy admitted:
- anger management issues,
- resentment over lack of love life,
- drinking,
- withdrawing and avoidant behaviour especially under stress,
- not asking for help when not coping,
- not communicating my wants and desires,
- covert contracts,
- and basically most of the things in no more mr nice guy!
The list appears to be in a pretty random order. In fact, drinking and anger issues are arguably issues on his part, but the rest appear to be symptoms of not feeling free to rely on your spouse or special one.
Marriage is a team
Not asking for help and withdrawing, are not something a man should feel accountable for. Communicate wants is desirable, but not doing it is not a crime. Many people don’t even imagine there’s a need for it and most don’t even know they’re supposed to do it. Most needs are common for everybody, and there’s no need to express them. And in normal couples, a spouse can pick up a lack felt by the other one and would simply ask: what’s wrong?
From other hints my fellow facebook friend shared, the drinking and the anger started or intensified during the marriage, as a consequence of not having needs met, of being neglected in and frustrated by the marriage.
Anger not the right response
Anger is not an action, it’s a feeling. So people cannot accuse you of it. Anger is actually a health feeling. It makes you understand there’s something wrong, something your soul or your guts don’t accept.
The outcome of the anger, like rage, like punching the wall, like yelling, is usually not appropriate.
But this guy was clearly pushed into it. It’s not the right response, but when you feel cornered, without the opportunity to talk to somebody, it may happen. Let’s apologize, but let’s not blame ourselves and let investigate what is it coming from.
The one who needs to take ownership is the wife
From every angle you look at the situation, even with the limited information of a facebook post, it’s clear that the wife needs to take responsibility of the situation. The guy may have raised his voice, but she physically cheated and still things she needs space and she need to heal.
You don’t put yourself in an extramarital affair because you don’t like your spouse. This causes stress to the other person, (who, let us not forget, it’s an important figure for your children!) and confusion to the children, and there’s no morally good way to think of it.
If you have the opinion there’s something wrong with your spouse, you need consider to break-up and to divorce. You can’t just sleep around. You can’t just blame the other person.
Anger issues and drinking problems don’t justify cheating. In fact, if the person was prone to anger before the marriage, it’s the other spouse to blame for picking a problematic person. If the issues started after the marriage, chances are that the other spouse contributed to the stress.
And in this case, the guy proved he’s being sober for 18 months. So drinking was not his weakness.
But the one who must take action is always you
Said that, in stories like this the wife is to blame for neglecting her husband, not encouraging to opening up, cheating, demanding space.
But in this case, you husband, you don’t chase a person that is not respecting you. This is the perfect situation where you understand you are important and pursue a romantic relationship with a person who have admiration for you, and admiration you need to earn.
Unfortunately, many men, successful men, are raised with the conviction that they are responsible for everything, and they can’t aspire for more. Before any divorce or hard decision, you need to investigate why you think you should settle with what you have.
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